Giving

Alright, I know I’ve bitched about this a lot already. I’m a “giver.” I know that probably seems odd considering my heavy narcissistic tendencies, but apparently the two aren’t mutually exclusive. I’m constantly sending things to people because I think they need it, they said they want it, it’ll help a condition they have, or just because it reminded me of them.

After spending the weekend making three big batches of brownies and four batches of two different kinds of jerky, I told my mom I was “gived out” and next time I think of doing something so stupid, please remind me that I said I would never do anything like that again.

My resolve lasted all of about a day and I was sending shit out to people again. Money? Sure! Alternative remedies? Why not! Hell, you just want to vent your burdens? I can handle it, I have big ears!

I can’t bitch about this; I am doing it to myself. I’m nosy and tell people I’ll listen to their problems. For hours. No one is holding a gun to my head for my money, I just click-click and Paypal sends it away. People aren’t asking for my food or remedies or anything else–I want to send these things to them. And most people act grateful. It is rewarding. Fuck, I probably do it more for me so I can feel like I’m doing something rather than out of any real sense of compassion.

But it’s true, I’m getting “gived out.” The only person who can change that is me.

Oh well. Time to go work on that Christmas list.

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