A few days ago I wrote the ugliest post ever. I deleted it. It was bitter and nasty and mean. I sounded like a judgmental, envious whore. You see, because of much pestering, I reactivated my stupid facebook. One of my “friends” on there posts pictures almost every day of her beautiful house or the beautiful scenery surrounding it. She’s my friend, so I should be happy that she’s happy. Right?
Instead, I was bitter. Bitter that I’ve tried to be responsible and independent and do things the “right” way yet I’m broke and living in my parents’ basement. Bitter that she lives in a beautiful house on beautiful land and doesn’t have to work at all. Bitter that the husband she cheated on for the almost-year that I knew her gives her everything she wants. When she bitched to me about her husband and how he couldn’t do anything right, I simply asked, “Why don’t you get divorced? You don’t have kids, you hate him, and you’ve been cheating on him for almost a year.” She looked at me like I was an alien and said, “I’ve never been on my own.” I believe at the time I told her she should try it, that being on your own can be a pretty liberating experience.
In retrospect, I look pretty f-ing stupid.
But the more I thought about it, I realized I shouldn’t be bitter or nasty. Because if I had her life presented to me, I wouldn’t take it. You might be saying, “Oh, sure, that’s easy to say!” But no, I could have had it. Or one like it. And when faced with that decision, I knew the last thing I wanted was to pretend to love someone I couldn’t stand just so I could be a “princess.”
And that’s what really got me thinking: I don’t understand these people who can use others for their money for years and years, because I have a hard enough time being nice to people I actually like.
Light bulb time. I’m just going to come out and say it: I’ve been used a lot. I make it easy for people; I have a generous personality and gifts, etc. are how I express affection or friendship. Sometimes I send things to people I barely know, just in the hopes it’ll brighten their day. A good friend of mine jokingly diagnosed me with HPS – Helping People Syndrome. But enjoying helping people doesn’t mean I enjoy being used. I consider myself a relatively smart person so I struggle trying to understand how I can be duped so often. My princess friend unknowingly helped me realize that I don’t recognize when it’s happening because I can’t relate to it. I can’t imagine living that way, thinking that way. Therefore I can’t imagine that anyone I would keep company with would think that way either.
Unfortunately, looking back and looking around, the people I “keep company” with…all think that way. That’s how they all were drawn to me.