Month: September 2009

Quote of the Day

My lord, we look at you

as we might look at

a Peacock.

You are framed by something sublime

similar to

hope, worship and fear.

-Bleach vol. 28

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Detour: You Are What You Watch

I have a confession to make:

“The Last Unicorn” is one of my favorite movies ever.

I know the entire movie by heart. I thought perhaps my memory might have faded after not watching it for a couple years, but for some reason I watched it today and nope, it’s all still in my brain. As I was watching it, I thought of how I used to watch this movie over and over when I was little. For a moment I jokingly thought to myself that perhaps it’s the root cause of why I’m addicted to Red Bull Energy Drink. But then I started thinking about how that movie ends (spoiler alert!)…she doesn’t stay with the prince and live happily ever after-she turns back into a unicorn, which to my 5-year-old self, sounded way more happily ever after at the time.

The more I thought about it, I realized that while other girls were watching Disney movies and their princesses were being rescued by princes, I was watching unicorns save the prince, and princesses save themselves. I loved She-Ra so much that as an adult I requested the entire series on dvd for Christmas a couple years ago.  Other girls want to be princess-woken-with-a-kiss, I wanted to be Princess of Power, saving everyone with my awesome sword and big hips.

I guess I should have known my brain worked differently when my elementary school friends and I played Barbies; their barbies had babies with plastic-haired Ken while mine dated a G.I. Joe because of his hot scars and realistic miniaturized weaponry.

What am I getting at with all this? Am I trying to argue that Disney is evil and that my friend who had a husband and a boyfriend and had never been on her own ever in her life made absolute sense to me once I found out she was obsessed with Disney and always talked about being “treated like a princess”? Am I trying to justify that I’m single and will be forever because I don’t need a man to justify my existence? Am I trying to convince you that I’m in fact not a lesbian, not that there’s anything wrong with that?

No, I’m not saying any of that. I’m just saying that I watched awesome cartoons when I was little and as a result, I think I’m a more awesome person for it. 😛

Detour: What Do You Do When You Don’t Want To Do Anything?

So most of you know I’ve been really struggling with my business. As a result, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do. And I’m lost.

Being “lost” is a new sensation for me. I always know what I want. I’ve always had an idea of what to do. All my life I’ve had pretty good instincts and gladly followed them. In my baby book, it says in my mom’s handwriting, “Two days old. She’s definitely a girl who knows what she wants.” For Christmas a couple years ago, a friend bought me a sweatshirt with the quote, “I Am The Decider.”

But somewhere along the line, my instincts vanished. I have no idea what to do. I don’t know what I want. I just know what I don’t want to do. In response to my whining, people have offered suggestions, which I continue to shoot down. I like the state I live in, I don’t really want to move. I don’t want to work for other people. And even if I did move and work for other people, they aren’t willing to pay me enough.

To my own ears these sound like childish excuses and expectations. I want to tell myself to shut up if I’m going to immediately discount other people’s ideas. I guess I’m just…waiting.  Waiting for something to point me in the right direction.  Waiting for the sign that gives me that gut feeling green-light. It’s not that I’m afraid of taking risks-goodness knows, I’ve made plenty of decisions in the past that people thought I was crazy for…but I knew at the time it was the right thing. Now people are presenting ideas that sound logical, but they all feel like the wrong thing.

So I guess the question is, how long can I wait for the right thing? When do I give up? (Alright, so that was actually two questions.)